I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
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The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.