I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
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Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
awesome draft from months ago i just found
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.