“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
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FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
January has been Januweary
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.