I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
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When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS