“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
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Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Match dot com, but for socks.
Today’s Times
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.