I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
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something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
mood
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids