I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
You Might Also Like
Dead sexy!!
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice