Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up

It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work

A cabbage a day keeps people away.

Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.

listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,

Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?

Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:

No.

Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year

OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?

My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…

~Only 15 more to go!!

Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.

I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.

“Do you believe in past lives?”

I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.

I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.

So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.

*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*

You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.

5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese

Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.

Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …

A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”

“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”

Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.

Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote

LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.

Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.