I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
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Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
I’m going to need a moment here.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.