What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
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If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”