I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
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[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Can’t stop laughing
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
We’ve all been there…
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”