“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
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My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true