I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
You Might Also Like
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.