“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
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Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice