I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
You Might Also Like
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.