I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
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Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?