I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
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cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.