I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
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Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there