I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
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Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
asked my bf how work was today
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers