I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
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When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
I have so many questions.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
next question.