I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
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Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.