I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.
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one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
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I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
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I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.