“I’m going to work.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”

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5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.

Me: Do they hurt your feet?

5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.


Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*


Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.

Me: Why not?

Wife: Then we’d be in hell.


“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”

– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out



you mean the wolf to me


ha! autocorrect fail!


what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me


You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.


If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.


66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”


I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.