@XplodingUnicorn 5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
@UncleDuke1969 “I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
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@XplodingUnicorn 
@tastefactory Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
@Brianhopecomedy Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
@XplodingUnicorn Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
@iwearaonesie “Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
@AndyAsAdjective [texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
@mdob11 You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
@myonlymizztake If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
@stats_canada 66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
@MohitSharmaSays I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.