I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
You Might Also Like
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”