I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.