I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
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her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did