I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
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Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.