I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
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Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
A family that plays together cheats.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?