I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
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I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
When you kidnap a writer.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!