I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
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[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money