i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
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yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.