I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
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rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Me My dog
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off