I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
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It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?