I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.

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Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?


[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school


I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.


How to open a letter:

1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO


i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…


“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch


If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.


Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: why, what have you heard?


Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.


You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.