@TopherKearby

I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!

“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”

Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.

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@KalvinMacleod

[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him

@iinkedZombie

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”

@causticbob

My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.

So I keep making mistakes.

@RandomAntics

gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination

@noog

Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.

– Why they wear masks

@7_Cents

*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”

@Dad_At_Law

10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.

@myonlymizztake

Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.

@HallpassCanada

Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.