WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
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My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.
– Why they wear masks
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.