“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
You Might Also Like
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
liiiiiiiiike
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
The internet is full of many things
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.