@Home_Halfway

“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg

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@holly_hjk

If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?

Oh, I went there…;)

@Book_Krazy

Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]

@Henry_3000

You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.

@murrman5

[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”

@alexjmann

I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.

@momsense_ensues

7’s new favorite animal is the spider.

He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.

I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.

@carlyken

“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool

@RAFtailgunner

A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.

@kenwhacksit

I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!