“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
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Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
I need to update my racial profile.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?