@MrOrenWagner

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

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@FattMernandez

One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.

@Try2StopME

CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.

Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.

@StruggleDisplay

You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you

@YourMomsucksTho

kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them

@polyhumorous

Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.

@ericsshadow

If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.

@CroweJam

Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.

@liberaldogsays

Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.

@OrangeFact

Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.