I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
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Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.