I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

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One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.


Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.

Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.


You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you


kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them


Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.


If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.


Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.


Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.


Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.