@jonnysun GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
@ashmensch “I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
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@jonnysun 
@Burger_Time_ Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
@SaraThomas84 The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
@iwearaonesie [on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
@ThisAlexStein The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
@JustineStafford love it when they get my name right
@rickolantern Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
@kaboom_terri 
@Aikiwomannc Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
@BadaBinge Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.