“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
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You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.