I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
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[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Wake me when AI does housework
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Ion see the issue
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”