I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
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“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party