I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero

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Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads


5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.


Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.

In that case, silence is very very suspicious!


my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards


My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.


Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth


Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…

For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…


“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie


Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”

Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”