Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
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If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
I’m sure it’s fine.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*