I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
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*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
If you are reading this then you are reading this
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
🍞🦆
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
I know
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.