I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
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“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.