“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
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This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
are they though??
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.