I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
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Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
I love wikipedia
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.