I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
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[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
I’m not wrong
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.