i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
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You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Roses are red
Violets are blue
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
That was easy.