I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
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As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
this has done me in for some reason
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
get you a girl who
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!