I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
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You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.