I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
You Might Also Like
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!