I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
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Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
True
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?