I’m good, thanks.
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All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
i- i did not expect this
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron