@Wordesse

I’m good, thanks.

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@DarthPutinKGB

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

@TheNardvark

TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.

@MomOnFire

I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.

@ActuallyEmerson

Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.

@GianmarcoSoresi

The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet

@robdelaney

If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.

@Kadayo_Takamini

Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?

Son: …

Me: It’s also a famous explorer.

Son: Dora?

Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.

@MicheleAKALips

When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.